Friday, December 09, 2005

Friends…they come and go, but...

You can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends,” my friend blurted out after a moment of silence. It’s only 10 in the morning and I want to tell her that 10 is too early to talk about angst, but one look at her, I know that the usual game of sarcasm and smart ass remarks will not work. “Why?” I asked and it will only take one word, just one before she start spilling her beans, soon after, I am awashed by her waves and waves of thoughts.

My friend has a point. We can’t choose our relatives and there is nothing we can do to change it. Even though at times, we badly want to trade everything we have just to change one tiny bit of detail…like changing your parents. But bad news. We can’t.

“It’s a good thing we can choose our friends,” she added. I nodded at her and caught unaware, I was already participating in the walk down memory lane.

‘Do you still remember the time when…’, our conversation will always start with the same sentence. Come to think of it, you may only start your conversation that way if you had been friends with that person for a considerable time. And I am very thankful that we got a chance to start with the ‘do you still remember’ spiel. So, pretending like we both don’t know the story, we took turns in completing it. Sometimes we add an extra bit of detail just to make the already funny account into a more hilarious and absurd adventure. After some time, let’s say a month, we will retell the story and laugh over and over like we heard it for the first time.

After the good heart warming laugh, I look at my friend and the question of ‘did I choose her’ is in my mind. Well, did she choose me? Obviously, I am positively, absolutely sure since she’s my friend for more than ten years now and still counting. But did we hit it off the first time we met? I don’t remember, but as the cliché goes, what matters most is today.

For so many times, I heard someone call me their friend. So, I will be his/her friend since he/she consider me as one and it’s nice because I always welcome new friends. So, I got a new friend but what kind of friendship do I have with this person?

Is he/she just another friend in passing (a friend because you have no choice just like some of your office friends), the cliché friend (the hi and hello type), the gimmick friend (someone who will only remember you during good times but shy away if you need a shoulder to cry on), the friend-friend (just one notch higher than gimmick friend because you could talk a bit of sad things), special friend (someone whom you reserve that special eye), best friend (a friend through thick and thin), and lastly, the intimate friend (could be an FB or a kissing bud).

After I determined what kind of friend this person could be, the next question is, is it right for me to qualify them? Or should I trash the qualifications out of the way? If ever I will qualify this person, will it help me determine the kind of effort I will need to exert if I want this friendship to last? Or will the friendship develop spontaneously?

If we are designed to be friends, then the friendship will just be there. If we could be with this person without inhibitions, pretensions, could do spontaneous and silly things, then he/she is a friend. If we could be with this person whom we could share secrets without judgement, someone whom we could fight with or be malambing with, then he/she is a friend.

Friend, it is really nice to have someone whom you could call and share the incident when you twist your ankle and went down on all fours in broad daylight in the middle of the street of Libertad. Or a friend who will call you in the middle of the night and give you a funny rendition of the song ‘Downtown’ because he/she misses you. And after you heard the song, you rushed to the nearest internet café to download the lyrics and the song eventually became your favorite.

It really feels good to have someone whom you could laugh with, so…who needs a boyfriend or girlfriend if its seems that a friend is enough to make your life happy? LOL. I know a friend could not satisfy our carnal desires (is it so?) but at the moment, self service would do until we find that someone whom we could be with, just like our friends.

Lyrics of Downtown.

When your alone and life is making you lonely,
you can always go, downtown.
When you’ve got worries all the noise and the hurry
seems to help I know, downtown.

So listen to the music of the traffic in the city
Linger in the sidewalks where the neon signs are pretty
How can you loose,
The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all yur troubles,
Fiorget all your cares
So go downtown
Things will be great when your downtown
No finer place for sure
everythings waiting for you.

Don’t hang around around
And let your problems surround you there ar movie shows
Maybe you know some little places to go to
Where they never close
Just listen to the rhythm of the a gentle possa nova
You’ll be dancing with him to before the night is over
Happy again.

The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all yur troubles,
Fiorget all your cares
So go downtown
Where all the light are bright
Waiting for you tonight
You’re gonna be all right now.

And you may find somebody kind to help and understand you
Someone who is just like you
And needs a gentle hand to guide them along
So maybe I’ll see you there
We can forget all our troubles forget all our cares
So go downtown
Don’t wait a minute for Downtown,
Everythings waiting for you.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Very Dredd, my rocking days!

The more we laughed, the more it killed him.Skin paints could not hide his failure to be brave.We pretended our charity healed himwhen in fact it pushed him closer to his grave. (excerpt from The Late and Hardly Lamented Canuplin by C.F. Bautista)

I remembered many years ago when I used to tag along with my rockista boyfriend for his band rehearsals. I played a good doting girlfriend with baby powder in one hand and a fresh crisply clean tshirt on the other. And amidst the screaming girls who watched him perform, I will put my possessive side forward with a subtle tag of 'Heizel's property' blinking on his forehead. (Okay, the part of baby powder is not true...I can't imagine myself playing 'slave' to a macho boyfriend.)

The time of Dredd, Mayricks and Cowboy Grill were my best, fun and wild time. I was invincible. I could do anything, whenever I want and whatever I want to. It was the time when I used to cry over Guns 'N Roses' song Don't Cry and body slam on Sweet Child of Mine. The time when
my heart raced as my boyfriend stepped on the gas pedal and speeded at 120 km/her, and the mobile patrol were at our tail for an illegal drag race (well, madami namang hinahabol nung panahon na yun dahil drag race nga, but I remembered when I tried na bumitaw at makipagsabayan sa karera. My palms were sweating when I changed gear. I looked at my companion and saw him grin and he cajoled me to step on it. A rush of adrenaline surged in my veins and I was speeding at 120 to 130 km/hr. I was screaming in delight until I saw the yellow post that served as the sign to make a turn. I panicked and suddenly stepped on the brake, but I guess it was not my time yet.

I shiver whenever I remembered my romancing with death. The drag race, the race with vices and dance with danger, all these made me who I am today. The once fearless me is now another person amongst the many who is looking forward to a quiet evening. My once adventure filled life is longing for the stillness of the night where I could lay back and enjoy the pleasure of reading, but once in a while, the calling of the dream-like lights mingled with a cloud of cigarette smoke and loud rock music hung in the air, swirling heavily enticing me to again taste that fearless nights, just like before.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

mystifying love

I can't remember the last time I fell in love. I am not even sure if it was love or just frustration. I am having a hard time defining love or its difference from true-if there is one, but what I know is that I want to find one, and I think like everybody else, I deserve it. It sound pathetic if you will really think about it, but hey, who is not. It is just that some people doesn't want to admit that they are pathetic, so they are giving it a different term. Some might react that, how silly I am to write about this age old mystery of love, true love and frustration. But is it really a mystery or just a thing that we don't , can't understand. I once read that before you could give love to someone, you must love yourself first, still, it brings me back to the question of what is love? If I will assume that I know the meaning of the word love, then is it the correct meaning? If I will believe its meaning, will it make the meaning true?

A friend ask me once if "Pagpapakamartir ba pag ginawa ka ng tanga ng taong mahal mo, o pagmamahal pag nagpakatanga ka at nagpakamartir?" Even I could not answer it since I need to define those terms first. But one thing I know at the moment, ayokong magpakatanga dahil sa pagmamahhal at lalo na ang magpakamartir, but if that entails finding your 'true' love, then I might.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Ready. Set. Go!

It's been a long while since I last released...shared my angst in this unfathomable blog. Obviously, lots of things happened to your dear moi...lots of tears and heartaches which I am still battling to overcome. Those many nights of countless gimmicks and bottles of beers which I refused to count, I am still here, waiting for someone who could make me my senses. Eventhough how many times I refused to admit that all my loneliness all boils down to my longiness to be loved? I know, it's pathetic and before I saw it as something that a weak person would want, but now, I am one of them and it is sad. Why do we need someone to complete us? Is it a sign of weakness? Of insecurity? Could we not complete ourselves by being ourselves? Being alone? It's a cliche to say that being alone doesn't mean being lonely...yeah! I still want to believe it...I am convincing myself that I still believe it but this unfathomable feeling of hollowness is persistent and I want it to stop. But I don't know how.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

hep! hep! and away!

I often wonder why most people...or so it seems...that they look so simple yet so happy with their lives? Maybe it was just me being as complicated as I am. Yeah. Maybe that's the problem. But I am happy now so I won't bother myself with any confusing and complicated thoughts. Why am I happy? I don't know.

Monday, September 05, 2005

lost in space and everything else

This has been going on for the last couple of weeks. I felt like a zombie, hollow inside and been trying to drown myself with all the noise around me. I party hard just to forget this thing and it sucks! My system craves for wine and beer hoping it will dilute whatever trace of boredom and depression I had in me but to no avail. I felt like a miniscule particle floating in this god forsaken space with no direction and been bumping around on many obstacles that scar my already jaded mind. Ha! If it's a fact of life that end with a K then it really sucks!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

sad ba ako?

Hindi ko malaman kong ano ang tamang tawag sa nararamdaman ko ngayon. One moment, I'll be in a state of bliss. Ang saya-saya ko tapos eto, I'll feel so low. Hindi ko rin alam ang sagot kaya waf n'yo na lang akong tanungin. Maybe alam ko ang sagot pero hindi ko naman din sasabihin noh! Kung mga nakakaalam, o sa tingin nila ay alam nila, well I know, your silence is golden kaya salamat po. Hay!, Masyado ng madrama ang life ko at wala akong ibang masisisi kundi ako, ako at ako pa rin.

no permanent address

I'd been running around from one place to another for the last two years...yeah. see I lived with my officemates-friends for a year, crashed in a friend's place for three months, moved in to a new flat for six months and now, I'll be crashing again to the same friend's place comes Thursday. It's not fun anymore. I need to have a place of my own and hopefully, it will materialize this coming October in time for my BDay. I want to do a lot of things and at the same time for that and the first in my list is to have my own place. You see, me and a friend from school were planning to look for a place in Makati accessible for both of us since we both work in the same area. And I'm really hoping it'll work out since I'm tired of transferring from one pad to another.

When I do have my own flat, I want to buy those big and colorful bean bags. Yeah, I fancy those things and a nice little center table that I'll fill with scented candles and all. Romantic huh? Yeap, I'm kindda. Also, I'll bring my TV, buy a nice dvd and sound system, install some nice lights to fill in the mood to go crazy and maybe...relax and buy a nice shelf to place my books. Hmmm...nice plan and it must work out.

Monday, August 29, 2005



full eight hours of boredom and more to go!!!

Hah! what a blast! Imagine me constrained in one place for the full eight hours and all I did was surf the net and send my friends instant messages. Nice job eh? yeah! I don't know if I'm still up to this. Contact Center job is a okay for a short while as in two months...maybe three but it was soooo boring you would thought you were counting years. Eh? Nope, I'm not complaining...nah...I AM NOT! I am just so darn lucky I have this boring job. I am getting paid by doing nothing...see? How lucky you could get...ah! damn it Hzl. STOP whinning and just be grateful about it!


Okay. Okay. Now all I have to do is think of a nice little thing that...imagine of something that could make me want to...something that will motivate me to continue this little charade...hmmmmmmm...damn! Nothing!

mga planets

mga planets! Finally, out of sheer boredom in the corporate world (I'm not doing any work since I came in this afternoon...happy days for me but it's soooooo boring), I finally created my own blog. Now, you have the chance to know my escapades...and I assure you, you will have lots of fun reading the activities of my "simple" daily life. Har! Har! Har!

To start with, I will be goin to Bed this thursday night after work and hopefully meet someone interesting know. Make new friends (Har! Har! Har!). How life could get so boring at times and it will prompt you to think about crazy stuffs. Lots of crazy stuff. Hay! I'm not like this A simple, homebody, bookworm, couch potato who even don't know what gimmick is...okay! Okay! I admit that I'm an official gimikera and a .... for that. What could I do? Would it be nice to just stay at home...with and him on the couch and...watching tv and...eating...potato chips and bananas. Hay! Wouldn't it be nice?