let me be

ang hirap. pag nanahimik ka...pagbibintangan ka. pag wala kang sinasabi, may nangingialam. ang daming sumasawsaw. kung maaari lang na manahimik na po sana at magkaroon tayo ng kapayapaan sa ating mga sarili. nasaan ang pagiging civil? kung maaari lang. SALAMAT.

having a point sometimes not having one at all

When was the time you lost in one of those battle of words where you could not articulate what you should say if your heart was screaming faster than you could actually say the words? Or how about pointing and stressing a fact and demanding that you have a point but when you analyzed and dissected the words, there's none? Hmmm... Or how about some people slaps you in the face with their good old arrogance only that person could perfectly muster and do? Or how about getting lost in your missery and blaming other people for having so?

Damn! What a fucking bullshit thing to point. Maybe having a point sometimes is not having one at all?

Good Fiction in a Writing Workshop, An Excerpt from Dr. Cirilo Bautista's column in Panorama published last May 28, 2006. Sir Bau, thank you

IN THE 7th UST Creative Writing Workshop, held last May 2-6 in Manila and Tagaytay, the fictionists had a better grasp of their craft than the poets had of theirs. The poets, who were more in number, failed to reflect in their works the excellence demanded by poetic structure and content.

After all, poetry of any kind is a discourse of naturally pleasing sounds. And achieving this requires mastery of the poetic language. We told the fellows in the Workshop – Roxanne H. Belen, Hazel E. Caasi, Niña Catherine P. Calleja, Alexie Renz M. Cruz, Ainne Frances F. dela Cruz, Margaux Dominique R. Dimanlig, Sarah Jean B. Grutas, Irene Lising, Heizel L. Mainar, Tim Nubla, Jonathan Siason, and Chuck Smith – that writing poetry is a life-long commitment, not a one-week child’s play. Considering that the fellows were participating in a national writing workshop for the first time, the panelists – Ophelia A. Dimalanta, Cirilo F. Bautista, Eros Atalia, Nerisa Guevara, Carlos Luz, Victor Torres, Lourd de Veyra, and Michael Coroza – gave small lectures on the discipline and requirements of the poetic craft.

The stories are more satisfying. They reveal the concerns of the young writers for both personal and social materials that alter their consciousness of things and the appropriate sensitivity and craft to validate their arguments. Mainar in Biyahe shows how the humdrum everyday realities seen in a third-class bus stop affect a young woman psychologically. After seeing someone taking a bath in a canal, after bearing the heat and noise inside the bus, after fending off the advances of a sex harasser, and after hearing the sob stories of some passengers, she feels dirty. All she desires is to reach home and take a bath. Mainar’s Ang Mga Bubuwit sa Flytrap is about relationships that have gone sour, and what decisions those involved have to do to get on in life. The author succeeds in conveying the repressed emotion that Karen needs to bring out to exorcise that past and get free of Roel. It is a touching story that needs only minor revisions to achieve more impact.

samut saring karanasan, kapangahasan, katatawanan at kahihiyan

Sa nakalipas na halos isang buwan, talaga namang napakaraming nangyari sa akin na samut saring karanasan. Halos hindi ko mabilang at maalala lahat...o pilit huwag alalahanin ang mga bagay na nakaapekto sa akin o kahit man lang nakapagbigay ng impresyon, pangit man o maganda. Sisimulan ko sa pagsali ko sa isang Linggong training/seminar on HIV Peer Education 101. Tama ka...isa nga itong training tungkol sa sakit na HIV...kung papaano ang tamang pananaw, scientifically at paano ang tamang approach in a more humane way ukol sa sakit na HIV at AIDS. Isinali ako ng aking kliyente at naging kabibigan na si Joshua, na siya ring President/CEO ng NGO na ginawan ko ng process documentation sa mga lalawigan ng Eastern Samar at Bohol noong nakaraang January 29 hanggang February 15 sa proyekto ng UNFPA. Aaminin ko na bago ang nasabing proyekto, kahit pa man din alam ko ang paraan kung papaano nakakahawa ang sakit na ito, hindi pa rin maiwasan na ma-freak out ang lola mo. Inimbita ako ni Joshue sa christmas party ng NGO noong nakaraang taon at hindi ko inakala na ang ilan o karamihan sa mga nagsipagdalo sa kasiyahan ay may HIV. Na-schock ako? Hindi masyado pero oo. Kaya hindi rin ako gaanong nagtagal sa party ay sumugod ako sa opisina na aking kaibigan na isang editor ng Manila Bulletin. Doon, sa harap ng mga bola at tako ng bilyar, ibinuhos ko sa kanya ang aking pagkagulat at pagkapahiya sa sarili dahil hindi ko pa rin pala basta-basta maiaalis ang hibo ng diskriminasyon. Nakakahiya.

Mula noon, nagsumikap ako na baguhin ang aking pananaw hanggang sa simulan ko na nga ang aming proyekto sa pagdodokumento ng mga activities ng nasabing NGO.

Balik tayo sa HIV Peer Education 101. Doon, karamihan uli sa mga dumalo ay mga affected families at mga HIV infected din. Kakaunti lang kami o sabihin na nating dalawa lamang kaming participants sa isang Linggong seminar na walang HIV o walang kamag-anak na meron nito. Pero, natutuwa na rin ako sa aking sarili dahil masasabi kong tanggap ko na ng buong-buo ang harsh reality ng ito. Sa sking mga nakasalamuha, mas napalalim ang aking pang-unawa sa human nature...maybe psychology o kung ano pa mang dapat pag-unawa ang dapat gawin. Hindi sa binibigyan ko ng espesyal na pagtingin ang mgamaysakit ng HIV kundi sa pangkalahatan. Mas madali kong naarok ang mga pinaghuhugutan ng kanilang kinakaharap ng mga challenges sa buhay.

Pagkatapos naman ng isang Linggo at halos isang araw lamang na pahinga, nagsimula naman ang 7th UST National Writer's Workshop. Dito, halos araw-araw na katayan ng mga isinulat namin ang nangyari. Mayroong may nagkumento ng pahaplos, meron din namang suntok. Pero ano pa nga ba ang aasahan mo sa ganoong workshop? Mapalad kami at nakadaupang palad namin ang mga kilala na sa panulat na sina Dr. Cirilo F. Bautista, Manolito Sulit, Michael Corosa, Victor Torres, Nerissa Guevarra, Lourd De Veyra (si cursh), Eros Atalia (ang aking kaklase) at Dr. Ofie Dimalanta. Natuwa ako ng labis dahil nagustuhan ni Dr. Bautista ang aking isimulat na 'Biyahe' at 'Ang mga Bubuwit sa Flytrap'. Nagkaroon pa ng kaunting comparison sa istilo ng panulat ni NVM Gonzales ang aking 'Biyahe' dahil sa parang walang nangyayari sa plot pero maraming nangyayari sa karakter. Naka-set lamang ang kwento sa istasyon ng bus at sa paghihintay ng karakter uminog ang kwento. Doon pa lang sa workshop at gustong ko nang pamulahan ng mukha hindi sa hiya kundi sa hindi mapigilang tuwa. But of course, I may not be able to show it openly. At noong nakaraang Linggo, May 28, isinulat ni Dr. Bautista sa kanyang column na Breaking Signs sa Panorama ang kaganapan ng nasabing workshop at doon naulit ang magagandang sinabi tungkol sa aming mga gawa at hindi ko na itatagong sobra akong natuwa.

Pagkatapos ng writer's workshop, sumunod naman ang proyekto sa UNESCO. Kinuha ako ni Dr. Isagani Cruz bilang production assistant sa WOW Philippines para sa mga dayuhang delegado sa Theater Olympics of the Nations (TON). Ngunit pagkaraan ng halos isang Linggo, inilipat ako ni Dr. Cruz sa isang kritikal na trabaho--ang mag handle ng publicity ng (TON). Syempre, sunggab ako sa trabaho hindi lamang sa prestihiyosong event ang mangyayari kundi dahil na rin sa mas malaki ang kabayaran. At tulong ng ilang mga kaklase, lalo na ang mga kapatid at kaibigan sa STAG, nakapagimbita ako ng mga media mula sa print at broadcast. Sa tulong ni Edward, nakapag-live coverage kami sa Unang Hirit at nakapagpaunta ako ng apat na theater group, tatlong lokal at isang dayuhang grupo. Masaya. Ngunit, sa kabuuhan, bilang isang alagad ng teatro na kung saan ako nahubog noong kolehiyo, ang nangyaribng event ay hindi masyadong maganda. Akalain mo, sa gitna ng isang dramatic scene...kahit pa amn sabihing nasa five minute break lamang ang palabas ay may maglalabas ng plakard para ianunsiyo ang dinner ng mga dayuhang delegado...ano ito? Isang variety show?

Natapos ang event noong May 28 at pagkaraan lamang ng dalawang araw ay lumabas naman ang aking pangalan sa column ni Dr. Cruz. Nakakatuwa ang kanyang pasasalamat ngunit mas nakakatuwa sana kung tama ang spelling ng aking pangalan. SIGH.

Ngayon...eto ako. Pagkaraan ng halos isang Linggo ay napakarami nang pending na trabaho sa ibang mga kliyente na hindi ko masyadong nabigyan ng pansin dahil sa UNESCO.

there's no free lunch for freelance

It's been almost half a year since I decided to try my hand in the freelance thing...that is, freelance writer, freelance PR and freelance trainer. I'm a freelance writer for a well being section of a national broadsheet, radio scriptwriter, writer/contributor for an educational magazine, writer/researcher/process documentor for an NGO, PR agent for a mangosteen company and the not so down to earth group of barangay San Lorenzo. SIGH. If only I could plan my time properly without the many interruptions and distractions, I will be earning good money from all my rakets, however, it is hard to find my discipline when I have no time to consider, no pressure from the big bosses and all. I think that is going to be my biggest challenge if ever I'll continue my laid back attitude towards work.

In a few weeks from now, I'll have a new client for PR and some training raket from a training manager friend. Still, I still don't know what I really want. I am overwhelmed. Sometimes, I don't know anymore if I am doing the right thing or not.

********************

Last Tuesday, the UST National Workshop started and I am one of the fellows. I'm proud but I have my reservations.

From South to North Adventure

Last Holy Week, I was into one of my spontaneous and impulsive trips...as usual. Junie, a friend and classmate from DLSU texted me that he wanted to go away and leave the busy and crazy metro for a while...which is not a bad thing. I had my share of hair pulling, jaw crunching and muted scream because of pressure and I deserve a break. So without second thoughts, I said yes. I texted Grace, another classmate who have a family resort in Batangas and it was a good thing, she was as ecstatic to have us there. So we went.

At three in the morning, me and Junie were off to San Juan Batangas. We arrived at Lipa around five thirty, smoked a couple of sticks and bought one steaming coffee at a local convenience store. At six, Grace joined us for more than an hour of gruelling jeepney and traysikel ride. Alas, at seven thirty, we were at the resort.

It only took a good eight hours of stay at Batangas when Junie recieved a message from his condo's security guard. He was told that his unit was nanakawan and that he need to go back to Manila for some paperworks. So off he went and after almost two hours, he was fuming mad because the security called the wrong unit owner. Junie's stuffs were on their proper place.

He stayed at his unit alone and while I stayed in Batangas for a night. The circumstance was funny and irritating. As what Grace said, maybe the constellations were conspiring and that maybe there was a reason on why he needed to go back. I think it was not so. It was just sheer bad timing.

After an overnight stay, one long neck of a local brandy, good food and almost twenty minutes of swim in the itchy water of San Juan, I went back to Manila with a new want, that is, to go to Baguio.

We arrived in Manila at eight, took some rest for two hours and at midnight, we were off to a new destination. At six in the morning, we arrived at the pine city and immediately found a transient room where we stayed for two nights and three days.

At midnight we were off to the pine city.

to be continued...

Could he be the One?

Last week, there is this guy who's been texting Junie and eventually, my good friend played cupid and set me up for a 'date' with this mysterious guy. I told Junie that maybe, he is not really into me and he is just making an excuse to see me because I am going to be with pretty boy Junie. *LOL* Still, out of curiosity, we (as in...because I won't be going if he will not accompany me...and besides, I don't want it to look like a date so if Junie is with me, then it will look like a get together or something) set up a plan to meet him. Unfortunately, something came up. The meeting was cancelled.

Too bad I'm all dressed up and even saved a chocolate flavored something in my pocket just in case.

I told him--Junie that the mysterious guys is not a kawalan. However, after a couple of minutes of deliberation and impulsiveness...I started acting crazy and wanted to meet him...as in now na! Could it be that he is the one? Then hindi ko nabigyan ng chance? Hay!

Ella's New Diary

Dear Diary,

Mommy bought me a new shoes today. It was the nicest shoes I saw in the mall and she bought it for me. She said that it was my gift since I got good grades last year and for receiving a medal last graduation. I was in the top ten of my class but I don’t know if it matters anymore. Tomorrow, a new day and my first day in high school…

“Ella…Ella, dinner is ready,”. She was in her room filling the pages of her diary when her mommy Clarisse called her. She acted like she didn’t hear anything and continued to stare at the crisp pages of her new diary. She felt that the words in her first entry was not making any sense. She was trying to figure out the proper adjective to best describe what she felt, until her mother called her again.

“Alright mom!” She said and left her diary in the study table. Before going out of the room, she glanced at her new school uniform, new bag and new notebooks. She sighed.
Everything was new, even her school. She took one slow step after the other until she reached the kitchen where her mother was busy preparing for dinner.

“Mommy, what’s for dinner?” she asked eventhough from the smell of it, she knew that her mother cooked her favorite tinolang manok.

“What else?” said her motherand asked her if she was excited to go to her new school. Ella just frowned.

“O? Why do you look so sad?” asked her mother who was setting the table. Ella slumped in the chair next to her and sighed.

“What’s the matter? You can tell me,” said her mother. She just smiled but kept her silence until she finally gave in after her mother’s coaxing.

“Mom…I’m afraid,” she said softly and a tear trickled down her face. Aleng Clarisse gave Ella’s hand a reassuring squeeze but she cried even more.

“I know how you feel…If I were you, I will feel the same,” said her mother which surprised Ella. Was I supposed to hear words of encouragement? Was she supposed to tell me that everything’s going to be alright, that I would meet new friends?

“But mom…you have no idea,” she said in between sobs.

“You know the reason why we are here…we already talked about it, right?” said her mother. Ella looked at her. It’s unfair…we should have stayed at our old house, I should be in my my old school and be with my friends, she thought. But Ella knew she could not blame her parents. Her father worked hard to get that promotion and she knew that her father was doing it for her. How could she be so selfish…how could she be so ungrateful, she thought.

“Clarisse…Ella, where are you?” she heard her father calling and the rushed footsteps nearing the kitchen. After a few steps, Mang Anton’s frame emerged with a box of cake and a can of ice cream. He was all smiles and Ella could almost see the twinkle in his father’s eyes.

“Ah, my queen and my princess,” her father exclaimed. The excitement were all over his voice as he told Ella and her mother his new office and the surprise that the head office gave him. As a newly promoted manager in the provincial area, his father was given a new car and a big bonus.

“So, how is my princess?” her father playfully rumpled her hair eventhough knew how she hates it.

“I’m okay dad…I’m so happy for you,” she said. Her mother gave her a cake topped with ice cream, a combination she could not resist. She was happy eating her favorite dessert and more than happy to see her parents show their affection in front of her.

Dear Diary,

I missed my friends in our old neighborhood. I missed my old school. I missed our old house, the nearby church, nearby park and my favorite tree in our backyard. But I know that eventhough I will terribly miss a lot of things in our old hometown, I know that everything is going to be alright. I am with my loving mother and a great father. He had given me everything and this little sacrifice was nothing compared to the sacrifices he made.

Before turning the lights off in her bedside table, she looked at her new shoes, new bag, new notebooks and new uniforms one last time and she smiled.

The Feisty Cat in the Hat

This feisty cat has been in the hat for quite some time. She's been crawling and scratching her way out of the unwanted hat hoping to see what's in store for her outside. One day, she accidentally tipped the balance and out she went. Outside, she met this other cat who is enjoying his laid back life.

This laid back cat seems fiery enough to meet the gaze of the feisty one and they decided to make a pact. They laughed, they scratched, they visited the nook and crevices of the hard worn life. They shared incredulous stories and giggled at the silliest cracks.

One day, the feisty cat proposed that they catch a nice big mouse and share it equally. They laughed, they cracked stories and even shared dreams of making it hitting the big catch. So, they planned and feasted for the big plan until they were sober enough to crawl their way back to the dingy Metro.

A day before the big hunt, the laid back cat suddenly caught the feisty one by surprise. The laid back cat told the feisty cat that he was backing out in catching the big mouse.

"I am afraid of the mouse," said the laid back cat.

The feisty cat was taken aback. "How come? You're a cat and you shouldn't be afraid of some mouse," she said. But the laid back cat cried and cried.

"I am afraid of the mouse. It's icky and yucky and it's coat is black. I don't want my white fur to be spoiled by some mouse," he purred.

The feisty cat said, "How come? You're a cat...and besides, you already agreed and we've been planning this for a long time."

"I'm really afraid of the mouse. I don't want to take risk and explore the nook and crevices of the dingy streets." he wailed.

"How come? We already feasted and planned for the big catch," she said. But the laid back cat purred and cried and the feisty one turned to her side and said Fuck! Still, the feisty cat could not do anything but sigh.


"Okay, I will ask my other feisty feline friend to accompany me to the big hunt."

It was a good thing, the other feisty female feline agreed and they purred and scratched their way to the big catch. They ventured and even sacrificed a tail and an eye for the dangerous hunt in the nook and crevices of the unchartered jungle. Until an unfortunate event happened to the male feline partner of the other feisty cat. This left the feisty cat alone and with all her wits and courage, scratched and purred her way to trap the big mouse.

A day before she went back, the feisty cat was even fiercer when she heard nothing from the laid back cat. The laid back cat promised her of some small catch upon her return, however, she heard nothing from the laid back cat.

Two days went by, when the feisty cat still recieved no news from the laid back feline. She meowed and screetched and even howled and after three days, her meowing was answered. The laid back cat fresh from his laid back life went to party with her and the rest of the pack.

The feisty one was waiting for a word from the laid back one but she got none.

After a couple of days or so, they planned and acted like nothing happened. They still purred and meowed and drunk for the big catch. However, the feosty cat was left in cleaning the catch while the laid back one waited to be served.

"Can you help me clean this catch?" asked the feisty cat.

"I can't...I don't have wheels to see the catch," he said.

"Okay, but I really need your help. I will send you wheels if you want," she said.

"Okay," he purred and this made the feisty cat happy.

However, after an hour or so, the laid back cat arrived and said, "I can't stay that long, I have to buy some mice for the other cat," he said.

The feisty cat was caught in a big disappointment but she could not say no. She asked the laid back cat on how he could help her if he was leaving so soon. He said, "I will bring some of the catch and send it via courier if you wish."

He purred and meowed until the feisty one agreed.

After two days, they delivered the big catch to the gods for offering hoping to get a bigger catch. However, their prayers were not granted and they went home purring and moewing.

"They need to give us the bigger catch. It's unfair," said the laid back cat.

"We need to wait. The gods will grants us some luck," she replied.

He purred and meowed and demanded for luck. The feisty one purred and meowed and told him to stop.

to be continued

life is sweet

Been beating deadlines as usual. I'm done with one and one more to go for today before five. At six, need to be at La Salle to return book and at six thirty, I will meet Owen at Baclaran for our Wednesday church date. SIGH. Even before my week starts, I can't seem to find enough time to compress all the things that needed to be done. Masakit sa ulo but masaya.

hyperactiveme

Today was another crazy day like my day before yesterday and the day before that. Infact, I could not even remember the last time my day became sane... save for this moment when I saw Althea's gorgeous blog design for sweet moi. It took us almost an hour of the burning lines before we could finally come up with a final design. The bloody samurai swet girl like the one you saw now. Har! Har!

Anyway, just to make my day sane, like my day before yesterday, I will engage in a good conversation with Mr. San Might Light later together with my beer buddies. Ciao!

I work hard...I PARTY HARD!!!

Last night, I was suppose to meet Junie at Malate for a clean fun party at BED or somewhere where someone could be promiscious (LOL). However, somehow, I know that he won't be able to make it so I planned my own party and went out with Ana and Joel, a friend for more than ten years. Joel is a great guy and had lots of fun with him during college. He is my kalokohan buddy and I smile everytime the memories of our gimmiks, joyride and wild party cross my mind. So, what happened last night was...it felt like I was transported back in time...the time when I had my own pad where everything could happen.

At first, me and Ana met him at Pier 1 in Roxas, then I got drunk, then...to be continued.

nerves et.al part 2

Here I go again...talking about nerves, nerves and the nerve of some people pushing me around. Hey! You can't and I won't let you. (SLAP! SLAP!) It's hard to realize that the person who is pushing me to finish that goddamn report is moi. Sometimes I scare myself of talking aloud...scolding myself for not doing this and that and lastly, I even talk in my dreams now. A 'someone' told me and it's a good thing it's not the oohhhs and the aaahhhs that my sleepy body released in my not so asleep carnal lips. To add confusion to my hectic, erratic and crazy schedule and...life, here's a story which is not so funny.

A couple of days after going home to the dusty and dangerous Manila, I was sound asleep at my friend's house when in the middle of the night, I woke up and rushed halfway downstairs. I looked around and scared myself for I didn't know where I was. I thought I was still somewhere in the regions and the once familiar house in Sampaloc is not so familiar anymore. It took me I guess a good five minutes before realizing that I am home. I am in Luzon that awhile ago, peacefully sleeping in a comfortable and warm blanket. Is it not scary? Well, here's another one. After taking my most needed rest of full ten hours, I woke up crying. Again, I blame it on the pressure or maybe...just maybe I am losing my mind.

Last Saturday, I went out together with the MFA Guys Guys. In a freaking, fucking bar somewhere along Ma. Orosa and Nakpil, this goddamn waiter pushed me so the bitchy side of god old moi couldn't contain herself and screamed her head off. A day after, I could not even remember what pissed me off.

the nerves et. al

Part one of the three weeks travel...fun, leisure and pain of Eastern Samar and Bohol

Got back from my trip last week and I am glad it is over...as in very glad. Although I enjoyed some of details of the trip, the wonderful beaches and people we've met, the travel communting from one barangay to the other and the erratic weather was not so pleasant. Some barangays where as far as 37 kilometers from the town proper and the only mode of transportation of going there is by a habal-habal or by a trisikel.

Last January 29, we arrived at Tacloban City in Leyte and immediately went to work and interviewed Dr. Ayuson in the provincial hospital. After a couple of hours, we stayed and waited at van terminal going to Llorente Eastern Samar for our first stop. After a back breaking and tiring four hours trip, we arrived at the sleepy town of San Jose Llorente where at seven in the evening, you could not see any human being roaming anywhere. Only the nocturnal songs of the crickets and the constant eerie night noise which I could not really decipher on what it is, filled our ears. Our host for a few days stay at Llorente welcomed us with so much pasensya word in her every sentence. The humble bearing of our host made me cringed for I realized how arrogant I could get and evidently, i was irritated with her for the realization which i do not want.

AIDS and travel

I am cooking up this NGO project that handles information drive and support system for AIDS patients and I am just ecstatic to close the deal and go out of Luzon within this week. I will be with Junie and we will venture into this sea and land adventure of documenting our hombre searching...I mean the AIDS awareness activities, but I am also hoping that the reason why we will be there is because of the former. However, come to think of it, it could work both ways. Hombre and work...work and hombre but of course, we will not go skin deeping with those men we will meet during work because he might just be one of the carriers.

Anyway, talking about men, men in Manila are pathetic and I hope men in the provinces of Samar and Bohol are different. Different in a sense that they are more eager to please? LOL. Hmm, will it be really different or it'll be the same men but only this time it'll be men with monkey tails? (Laugh...laugh).

A friend told me that men in the provinces are more likeable and more sensitive. Well, yeah, right! I just wish he is not an HIV carrier which is very likely since we will be interacting with them. Not sexually of course! My goodness! But we might go to a beach and strut our stuff so that we could meet men...big men to complete our trip...literally and figuratively.

As I have mentioned earlier, I am looking forward for our 'trip', so eventhough we haven't signed the contract yet and haven't secured the downpayment, my things to bring lists already fills one whole page of my scratch pad. And surprise, surprise (well okay, not so much of a surprise), sunblocks and two sets of swim suits are the things on the top of my list. Third is at least two bottles of off lotion followed by a sunglasses, a cap and a turban and so on. After rereading my list, I realized that almost all things I've listed is for the sake of vanity, vanity and more vanity. *SIGH*

Looking at my glorious skin, it is already tan so no need for me to heighten my shade and besides, I don't want all those money spent on whitening products go to waste.

Aside from the adventure and fun that I have in mind, still I need to face the fact that we will be there because of work. So, I need to face my fear with habal-habal (actually is it just a motorcycle overloaded with at least ten people who are praying hard not to fall), lots of ferry boat rides without cover...as in, that's why we need the sunblocks, and lots of jeepney rides as well. *Sigh* After imagining and researching these habal-habal thingy, I think I want to change my mind now...I wish but I won't. This is another adventure I will not miss. Just like the time I went to Porac Pampanga for an integration with the Aeta community, it is where I met Ka Rick and the rest of the tribe, but the most hilarious thing I did...okay the stupiest and ignorant thing I did was when I called one minority a monkey. I truly regretted it after and I am not proud of what I did, but hey! Who can blame me? That minority was asking me why the unat people are calling them monkeys...and the smart ass me immediately answered that maybe they like bananas. So you see, it is not my fault and besides, i did not called them monkeys...not directly anyway and it is not my intention. I am trying to be defensive here...so stop laughing and sneering.

Wish and you'll get it!

I'm exhausted! Just like yesterday, I was exhausted as well...and just like the other day and a day before that. It seems that I am always exhausted. And I almost dreading the fact that I am always rushing...cramming for writing deadlines. I also hear myself complaining about the writing load that I have. But who am I to complain? This is what I wished and worked for. Sometimes I need to remind myself that it was not so long ago that I resigned from my call center job as a product trainer, that I wished for a writing job. I even thought of securing an employment at one of the national publication but after engaging in a good conversation with a writer friend and classmate, I changed my mind and tried the field of freelance writing.

I gave myself just two months to gather enough clients and writing assignment and it didn't took me two months to accomplish it. After three weeks or less maybe, through the help of an old buddy Owen, I was already writing for Manila Bulletin. Also, I had been able to contact the technical adviser of our college publication before and my convincing power was not even p ut to test since after I told him about what I need, I immediate got a positive answer.

So, I was alright with the flow of contacts so far, until I've met this American client who needs a PR agent. So, I asked him if I could apply...eventhough I have a vague idea on what a PR agent do. After a day, I received a confirmation email from the client and I was surprised that he accepted my application. Immediately after the good news, I rushed to DLSU's library and borrowed several books on PR, advertising and other related books about the work.

After two days, aimed with the textbook knowledge, I submitted my first proposal and it was approved. The client was satisfied with my work that he actually referred me to a new client. After a month, that same client gave me another work and this time for a project documentation of an NGO. The work at NGO will require me to travel to the remote areas of Eastern Samar and Bohol. I thought that I may not be able to deliver on time especially that the work will be tasking and also, I still have other commitments with other publications and one of them is the National Office of Mass Media- I need to submit the 48 pages radio script which until now, I'm still working, writing and polishing it. So, I asked Junie if we could be partners on this NGO work and good thing, he was up to the challenge. And now, I need to finish my 48 pages backlog, an article for Manila Bulletin, a press release for the American client, lots of coordination and lastly, I need to edit the 15 pages project report of the NGO which I volunteered to finish until Monday. I forgot to mention that the editing part is pro bono.

So, who am I to complain? After all this bruhaha of going crazy about work load and feeling exhausted, all I need to do is think of the rewards I will get after the crazy work.

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Early this morning, I tried to finish at least one set of radio script to lessen the 48 pages backlog. So, I have no choice but to sleep at around two in the moring and wake up at six since I got class by eight. After my two classes which ended at 1:30, together with Candy, Mich and Jenny, we went to CCP for the theater play. After the play, we went to a bar just across CCP and drunk two bottles of beer and stuffed ourselves with food. We stayed there until ten and when we are about to leave, this drummer guy of the band playing at the bar approached me and asked for my name. Too bad he is too young and I don't to be tagged as a c raddle snatcher so I gave him my sweet smile and took my leave. In short, today is a good day...but tiring.

another crazy blabbering

Kasama ko kagabi ang ilan sa mga malalapit kong kaibigan na sina Owen, Dee at Mon. Nanood kami ng isang movie about love and relationship and as usual...I was depressed after. Normally, other people would feel elated after seeing the movie but no...not me. I already freed myself from the clutches of day dreaming that everything is going to be alright, that someday my prince will come and save me from the stupor of my loneliness. Ha! First, I am not lonely and I don't need men.

I read this blog about sexual preferences and I was curious with the bicurious term. What if...what if...Oh my! I can't even spill it out. My system still can't imagine moi to be in it. You know. I still prefer men. As in. But how come the thought crossed my mind? I think it is just normal to sometimes feel weird like this. Or maybe 'I am' already, only that I am in denial? No, if I am then I wouldn't write that I am in denial...right? It is just like no drunkard ever admit that he is drunk or no addict ever admitted that he is. So, what this whole weird stuff makes me?

For now, while I am in the state of confussion...I tried to make myself busy and productive but how I wish my reproductive glands would get a good exercise as well. A friend tried to scare me once that if I don't use it, it'll close down permanently. Another friend told me or reminded me that I am a good girl already and should continue to do so. But what the hell! I am good and never have any bad bones in me. I may be a bitch...sometimes...only if I want to and if the circumstance calls for it, but I am an angel deep inside. Believe it...YOU B!!!

Okay...I am trying to calm down. Shhhh...Shhh. Going back, I don't want to date boys anymore. Eventhough they are about my age but most of them were acting like boys or little girls. What a F@#K! Maybe I should consider opening a kindergarten school instead.

Welcome to my world...where English is sometimes spoken

Despite the sheer pressure of targeting so much in a short span of time...I still find time to read a chiclit novel as my carnal release since I can't (by choice...a hard choice) do any foolish things anymore. I know...I know that you will laugh Ogie since you knew me for quite some time already...say seven or eight years? Anyway, aside from reading a book, I recruited Owen as a member of my solitary Baclaran club where I religiously hear mass every Wednesday for a couple of months already. I know...I know Nono, you will laugh...just like Ogie who wouldn't, and couldn't in his life believe...in fact he absolutely refuse to believe that I am a good girl na. Back to the novel with a title the same as of this entry...I sometimes wonder why we can't understand each other eventhough we speak the same language. Are we really sometimes stupid (which we will not admit of course) or we are just acting stupid? I know...I know...you are not stupid but how come we act stupid on certain occasions? Is it the adventurer in us? The thrill seeker? Or eventhough we are smart...in most ways, our weakness is still our emotion which prompted us to act weird and do foolish things? Hmm...I am not making any sense.

PANIC...same old story

Sometimes I can't help but scold myself for being so arrogant. Since I am a hard-headed-self-assured foxy lady who gets what she wants and have the great confidence that I could do things, I accepted numerous writing assignments and agreed to a deadline which is impossible to meet. Today, I am fretting because the 48 pages radio script is due tomorrow and so far, I am down to 40 pages. So, you see, I actually did accomplished something and at least, I am done with the 8 pages. Ha! Not only that, my arrogance extended to its highest level when I told my client that I'll complete the press kit this coming Tuesday or Wednesday, I also have a pressccon at the Department of Health this Monday and need to attend a health summit on Tuesday. Wednesday is the deadline for Manila Bulletin's articles and on the side, I need to coordinate various activities for the NGO project that I am targetting to close. Isn't it fun? Could you just not love me since I am a go getter person who likes many challenges which resulted to a deep shit?

Hmmm...I think the scolding will commence today...as in now na...since I am still here...doing nothing important...but fret.

Completeness and satisfaction

Yesterday or better to say early this morning at 2, I was with some of my very close and trusted friends Owen, Janice and Dee. As usual our conversation varied from anything we could think of and somehow, it was diverted to the question on the sense of being complete and satisfied. The smart ass in us, a very natural thing after knowing them for more than ten years, immediately commented that we complete ourselves. I complete me. LOL. But after drinking at least four glasses of water, we took the question seriously and plunged into a not so heated conversation about completeness and satisfaction.

The yardstick of completeness and satisfaction really varies on a person and one determination of that yardstick is first to define it. However, its definition will still vary on who made the definition and who made the interpretation. So how would you know if you are already complete or satisfied? It looks like a stupid question, but really...How would you know?

Owen cited that it the sense of being complete and satisfied is not measured by material things. I agree. However, you could be satisfied by acquiring materials things but the satisfaction will wane after some time and you will look for new things to satisfy you. Therefore, it is going to a be a cycle.

On the 'romantic' mode (I often call it the dillussioned mode), a woman feels complete if she'll find a man to marry and have kids. If your thinking falls under this, then you are so out dated gradma. Could you not complete you? Is having someone the only escape to this habitual nuerosis of desperation and depression? Could I not say I complete myself? It sounds less complicated and fulfilling.

______________________________

I feel sad...But who is not? Everybody feel sad. They just don't admit it. You feel happy now? C'mon! Stop pretending! You are sad. You must be sad enough to waste your time with your asshole boyfriend eventhough you cringed at his touch or keeping mum about your girlfriend's constant nagging. See? You are sad. Welcome to my world!

The Challenges of the Challenged

It's been many years that I'd been using the word challenge which actually pertains to a problem which describes the dilemma I was and am facing. I was trying to psych myself that everything will be alright and that a problem is not really a problem but just a spice of life which makes mine more fun and interesting. I am overly optimistic...Which makes me miserable most of the time, but I am too proud to admit that I am because first and foremost, I must admit to myself that I am actually facing a problem. But no! It is a challenge. So, that makes me a very challenged person.

Today, I challenged myself once again and emerged in another money making scheme of writing a script for a radio drama. The challenge is, I don't know how...But as expected, I will not admit it, so the brazen moi borrowed and photocopied a whole textbook on how to write a radio script just before the end of the school term last year. It pushed me to study the whole damn book over the holidays and now, after getting my story concept approved, I need to finish the 48 pages radio script until Monday next week. How am I going to do that? Fret? Go crazy, which I can't anymore...Because I admit I'm still am and if I add another crazy antic, I'll end up in the loony bin. How about sleep it off? Go on a date? Look for a fucking buddy? Rehash a boyfriend? Well, the last option is very tempting since two former beaus are sending exciting messages that promises great carnal experience to the good old moi...But I can't. I had been restricting myself to commit another pleasurable adventure since I am trying very hard...As in hard to be good. HA! I am already good...In a lot of ways but this time, chaste good? So the last option is not really feasible. Maybe the option prior to the last? Will it be acceptable...Again... For the good moi?

With the many options I got, I am again faced with a new challenge of deciding on which is which and who amongst the dark exciting options will I pursue? See? Because of the radio script challenge, I created myself with a new challenge and it will go on and on and on until I finished the radio which eventually I will because the radio manager is expecting it for production already. That's it. I'm going to pull my hair now and scream.

It was never the same

I was with some MFA classmates at Kaibigan eating lunch today and when I looked at their faces, I was sad. I miss the guys guys terribly. I was trying to be friendly to my not so new classmates and indeed, I found some whom I think I could get along with...even for the whole semester but still, I can't help but to miss the old wacky faces of the MFA barkada whom I got used to for almost a year. Imagine, I was with this wacky old bunch of far-out, groovy, neurotic but happy group whom I shared my deepest darkest carnal secrets every Saturday and just after a couple of weeks, just after the holidays, they were gone. Well, not totally...I hope, but their presence made a great difference.

I miss Louie. Yes, you got it right. Eventhough we act like two immature beast sometimes and almost kill each other...with nagging silence, I still miss him. Who wouldn't anyway. You will not find another egocentric but lovable friend, right? Mich who haven't been able to finish her carnal lecture 101 yet from good old moi, Allan who started the Marabini thingy, Razel whom I still want to hear more secrets and revelations, Cherrie whom I wanted to know more, Althea my very first lung center buddy, my katsismisan even before the MFA guys guys was formed and my confidante for the more gory details of my carnal escapades and lovelife...as in, and lastly, Junie, my church buddy...AS IN (LOL), my kalokohan buddy at laging kaaway but my kakampi. Well, I don't miss Candy since she is my classmate for Literary History of the Philippines churva, so we will be sick and tired with each other's beautiful faces and great sense of humor for the rest of the term. Ha! See what I mean? Who wouldn't miss a group like the MFA guys guys?